More than one ex-boyfriend has called me an ice princess. I can’t stand completely immersing myself in someone else’s life, nor can I handle someone constantly calling me and wanting to see me every single day.

I considered myself an intelligent independent woman. The ad I posted online indicated that I wanted a life that was separate, but compatible. However, I made it clear: I didn’t want to be neglected, and this wasn’t an invitation for us to take each other for granted. I just didn’t want to be smothered yo.

He was perfect on screen. Witty. Intelligent. Quirky. Sexually open.

He came over early on, took control, did things to my body I had never imagined, and had me constantly distracted with the thought of being with him. Riding him. Having him take me. Being his slave. Anything he wanted. I told him I was his toy to do with as he chose.

I brought him to my office – greeted him outside in a little dress and no panties as instructed. He fucked me a few different ways, and made us late to pick up my bff’s husband while he took me one more time.

Even now? I want him. I want him at my door, not talking. Just naked. I want him to jerk my head back, slip his fingers in my panties and rub my clit. To want to rape him – to rip off his clothes, damage them as he’s done to mine. To ride him until his eyes roll back and he’s incoherent.

But the neglect? It was there. Oh it was there. To end up in this impossible situation where I can’t ask him for time, or communication or sex. To be in some sort of undefined thing where I get absolutely nothing, but to feel like a burdensome pet that he offers a few scraps to when it’s somewhat convenient for him.

Humiliating. The core of that word? Humility. I have learned to be humble. To know what it is to be absolutely nothing to someone. To have so little of their regard that they can’t even be bothered to fuck me, when they know I’m perfectly willing.

And even worse? To know that I’m still willing. To be still wet and throbbing for him. To have the memory of what he’s done to me. To imagine the potential of what we could have done. What we said we would do.

Nothing in life comes with a guarantee. But I feel cheated. Like I had this sensual gift dangled in front of me. Taunting me. Teasing me with it’s tantalizing closeness. And then to have it taken away with no explanation, and such coldness.

To feel cheap and used voluntarily? Can be delicious. But this? To feel so utterly insignificant?

Now, I just feel thoroughly ashamed for allowing myself to feel this way.