Advice From the Duchess I

I’ve been dabbling a bit on an adult site, and since a lot of my readership do the same, I feel compelled to offer a bit of advice on some etiquette that you may consider following. (Purely biased, and lord knows my own personality is tainting all of this).


Don’t assume that you’re going to login, find someone interesting, and be naked together within hours. It’s just not safe, and not realistic. Even on sites that are devoted to finding sex, you should expect that people do need to be cautious, and will want to talk to you for a little bit before just diving in. This may take days or weeks.

Chat Rooms:

  • Don’t be needy. This can cover a range of behaviours of course, but I want to cite a specific example that’s a no-no. If you don’t know something, and ask for some general advice on something – OK, that’s fine. But don’t ask people to do ALL the work. E.g. “where are the sex clubs in a specific city?” A little bit lazy, as this could be googled – but people may be nice and offer up some suggestions. But do NOT ask them to start phoning around for you to confirm that the place offers this or that, or is still open. The chat room is not a bunch of PA’s, just waiting to do your bidding.
  • If you ask someone if they are into this or that (because you ARE this or that) don’t get all pissy when they say no. You asked because you didn’t know. There was a 50/50 shot that the answer wouldn’t be what you wanted to hear. No need to get insulting about their personal proclivities.
  • If a person is trying to politely steer you away from a line of questioning in an open chat room TAKE THE HINT. It may not be appropriate to discuss it there. Or they may simply not want to talk about it at all. Don’t keep pushing. It’s rude. And potentially harassment.


  • Men- do you really have to post cock shots? Seriously? They all pretty much look the same. I’ve yet to ever speak with another woman who’s been all impressed with a cock shot. (Same thing goes for emailing women that same photo. Honey, if you MUST send it, include a face and/or torso shot too so we can put it into some perspective).
  • USE YOUR WORDS. The following: “i’m a hot guy who wants to fuck a hot chick. interested?” does not an arousing profile make. I have absolutely NO interest in either approaching you, or doing anything other than deleting any poorly written message that you choose to send me.


  • Send me a fantasy of all the things you’d like to do to me. Great. But don’t send that without anything else. Ask a question or something at the end, and not just “sound good?”
  • Don’t send a partial fantasy and then demand that I finish it. That will just annoy me that you’ve given me a homework assignment. Where do you get off ordering me around?
  • Don’t send multiple messages in a day. If I want to respond, I will do so. We don’t know each other. And maybe we’ve corresponded some – so that means I’m a little interested. But don’t be demanding my time yo. It’s valuable: to me. YOU have no ownership of it.

Here are some things I would absolutely LOVE you to do:

  • Tell me what about my profile interested you, and why. And maybe it’s a sex site – but don’t assume that everyone is on the same page – you have to probe a bit.

  • Do have an idea of what a realistic plan is to eventually meet someone. If I respond with “what did you have in mind??” say something other than “whatever you want.” That? Is not really helpful. You might think it sounds laid back and accommodating – but in actuality, it can just come off as lazy.

  • In chat – I like it when people tell me I’m funny and that turns them on. Yes, I have a great pair of legs – but that’s just a bit of the package. So pay attention to a person’s WORDS and find something about them to connect to on another level.

And that, my darlings is the conclusion of my lecture.
Not one of my ultra-edited posts, but one of the occasional writings that is actually in the Duchess’s own voice. Follow those steps above, and you’ll be well on your way to getting me into bed.


10 thoughts on “Advice From the Duchess I

  1. J and J says:

    One thing that really irritates us when talking to new people, whether by a services messaging system, chat, or im feature is when a couple of minutes into the interaction it becomes obvious that the other person or couple we are talking to didn't take the time to actually read our profile before contacting us. That basically tells us they are too lazy to take the time to find out if we are a couple they actually would like to get to know better and also whether they are someone that meets the description of what we are looking for. Their loss 😉

  2. Black Pearl says:

    Thanks for the lesson! This was information that not many think about or consider when they jump on these sites!

  3. Hubman says:

    I have to second (or is it third?) the comments about reading our profile first. On Friday Veronica and I get a message from a couple asking us if we're free on Saturday night. Keep in mind that this is a couple we've never heard from before AND that our profile clearly states that we have young kids and usually need a few days notice to arrange a sitter. If you guessed that we didn't reply to them, you'd be correct!Great advice Duchess!

  4. Topaz says:

    I can hear your voice reading this to me! Ah, I enjoy that tone, but even more, I like how you preface with your what-I-want disclaimer!I hope people can learn from this. Far too many hookups have gone awry due to poor online skills. The good thing about it is, if they're natural tendencies are lazy/uncouth/unwittingly-clueless… then it's a good thing to catch them before they get between those legs… nothing worse than positive build up leading to game time letdown…

  5. Aurore says:

    Darling, this is why I love you 😉 I'd also like to throw in the mix if I'm chatting with you but I don't respond instantaneously, don't get your knickers in a knot! I can't stand people who I don't know demanding my undivided attention immediately. When I'm online, generally I do more than one thing at a time – relax!

  6. Oh that was a fun read. I don't do chat rooms etc. Just not my thing – but reading this made me laugh out loud a few times!! Always a pleasure!

  7. marianne says:

    Lots of good advice here. Another one I'd add is a reminder to men that women often get many, many emails and IM invitations on that kind of site. If you don't get a response, well, that's just how it is. Move on. Generally, I respond to anyone who has obviously read my profile, and the rest, not so much (if they don't take the time to read what I'm looking for, why would I take the time to respond?). Nevertheless, one man was so angered by my lack of response to his email, that he sent me a second email calling me every name in the book and telling me what a horrible ugly bitch I was. It threw me so much that I actually closed my account on that site.

  8. Autumn says:

    Wonderful post! wonderful. i've never been in open chat rooms, only spoken to bloggers or blog viewers in chat, but this certainly rings true on many levels. you offer solid advice right here. i love it.

  9. southerngirl says:

    Valuable information baby…. solid as Scarlett says

  10. I love these kinds of posts. Love it. Men often say that they just "don't understand women, or get women", and sometimes that's true, but shit, here's a pretty good list to help you (us) along the way so that we can actually understand your psyche just a little bit better. Thank you!!

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