The Duchess’s Journey to Self-Awareness…

Ambivalence: uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

I feel like I have two different creatures inside of me, hence the need for two different blogs.
The other blog? So sweet and sometimes sad and for the most part untouched?
And this one? Part of this compartmentalized section of my mind. Devoted completely to sensuality and lust.

It’s like I can turn a switch off and on in my head. If a man were to proposition me, and I were in the other mindset, I would be shy and uncertain and possibly offended. I don’t know what to do with men in any way shape or form. I don’t know what they want or what their actions mean.

And if I’m in the Duchess mindset? Well, to be honest, I don’t feel like I have any more of a clue about men than the other me does, but at least that man stands a chance of getting laid.

Now the other me doesn’t have any different sexual desires. I’m not suffering for some sort of dissociative break-down here. But the way I express it? The way I demand it? Well, there’s where the difference lay.

The other me? Is disappointed that men only seem to want one thing from her. Is confused as to why sex seems so easy to come by, but a relationship is so difficult. She’s confused as to why she’s getting dozens of messages on the “intimate” section of the site, and none in the “dating” section. The Duchess? Doesn’t care. The Duchess loves the fact that she could be having sex with a different man every night. She loves the fact that men commend her on her forthrightness and “shaggability.” (the site’s word which makes me laugh each time I see it).

I’m aware that I’m new to this whole experience, and that a degree of uncertainty and defining myself is to be expected, but it’s been a bizarre ride. Simply the fact that this blog gets more hits in a little over a month than my other blog, which is approaching it’s two year birthday is amazing to me.

Sexuality. It’s something that on a very primal level we can all relate to. We’ve either all experienced it in various forms, or we sure as hell want to. I feel that I’ve been a rollercoaster of re-definition in the past month and a half. Confusing, exciting, and scary all at once…


5 thoughts on “The Duchess’s Journey to Self-Awareness…

  1. Aurore says:

    We are on the same roller coaster and like you I wonder at my ability to get laid versus having an actual relationship. It’s 1AM and I could probably message any of the three guys I see online and meet them in under an hour…but that’s just sex. Before I started this journey, I thought that what I was after was sex but the longer I’m in this situation the more things are becoming clear. I think that eventually you might not compartmentalize and with any luck you will find someone who fits both sides of you.

  2. I think we all have a dichotomy of sorts within us…you are at least aware of yours. In my opinion, I think that awareness is what matters most. 😉 CW

  3. I totally get what you are saying about the number of hits on each blog – I had a loyal following on MySpace but I felt restricted there and learned about Blogger. When I got there, I was unsure about what to say/write…but I was genuinely surprised that the very few MySpace readers, whom I trusted to read my new explicit site, actually were surprised to see a new side of me. They thought this was a good avenue for me to explore and for them to learn about me. Other than that, people are more curious about the lurid things than the tame stuff. What can I say? 😉

  4. I think that is what we are all looking for. Most guys do seem to only want sex. Not all of us are like that though. I know personally I seek much more of a connection than that! Keep you chin up and keep looking, you and Aurore both seem to have act together from what I have read and you both will be fine once you know what it is that you want!!!

  5. O says:

    My first visit here. I can relate to the ambivalence you express, and I appreciate the thoughtful way you express it. I’ll be back.

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